Dear Governor Patterson,
With the choice of Senator Hillary Clinton to be the next Secretary of State, you will have the opportunity to choose her replacement in the U.S. Senate. I know there are many worthy candidates available for the position, but I thought I might go ahead and toss my hat in the ring as well. I'm not above posting to my blog to let you know that, either...
To assist you with this complicated and politically charged decision, I have decided to compare and contrast myself with the other leading barely qualified candidate for the position, Princess Caroline Kennedy (Schlossberg?...What happened to the Schlossberg? She lose it under the couch or something...?)
Princess Caroline's qualifications:
1) She lives in New York.
2) Her father was a great man. So was her Uncle Bobby.
3) Her last name is Kennedy.
4) Her Uncle Teddy (not a great man) is still in the Senate...apparently the brain cancer didn't affect any vital organs.
5) Did I mention she was part of the Kennedy Clan?
6) She can locate Syracuse on a map, or rather her driver and pilot both can, and that's all that matters, right?
7) She is connected enough to be able to possibly help you raise money for *your* re-election plans.
8) She's a Kennedy.
9) The Messiah-Elect really likes her.
10) Did I mention that she's a Kennedy?
My qualifications:
1) I've flown into JFK Airport.
2) I've been to Times Square within the last 4 years, and ridden on the subway and the LIRR. And I've been to the top of the Empire State Building (which I'd bet $5 she hasn't).
3) I've flown into LaGuardia Airport.
4) I am your political opposite, so you can't be accused of appointing me to further your own agenda.
5) My last name is similar to the guy that flew over the Atlantic in 1927 (and left from New York!), so people might think I'm related (I'm not, but I won't tell if you won't.)
6) I am sensitive to minorities and people with disabilities. I really like Ray Charles. Oh, and my wife knows sign language...(wait, that's for deaf people)...never mind that last part.
7) "Escape from New York" is one of my favorite movies.
8) I'll fly out to New York and say nice things about you if you appoint me.
9) I won't overshadow you with my celebrity.
10) I sing a killer version of "New York, New York" (with or without karaoke backup music!)
As you can see, I am much more qualified to be Senator than the Princess is. I feel certain that once you consider these qualifications, you'll make the right choice.
Happy New Year!
The Dread Frog God
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